i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize