hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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