all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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