I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
