Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
