walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
