Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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