Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
barbara walters just said penis...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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