I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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