He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
