She's JV to your varsity
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
