Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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