im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
