I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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