You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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