You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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