I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
