how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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