Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
