my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
