Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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