Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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