I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize