i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
