Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
