I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
