Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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