How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
