I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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