I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
