guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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