yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
