Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
