I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
