why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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