my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
