Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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