Midget sex pt 2 tonight
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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