I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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