On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
