im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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