i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
