I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I understand Curling. That high.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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