Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
