Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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