Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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