I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
