I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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