i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
