Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
