At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
