Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
