my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
