hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
