make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
