At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
