my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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