I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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